Being out on the road for so long you get the chance to have many (many!) deep thoughts. This sabbatical (time away from day in/day out work responsibilities) and this trip in particular (on the road away from home responsibilities) have made me realize how much time I have NOT given to wife, my children, my family! Spending the last ~20 years building a career, with my dear wife shouldering many aspects of child rearing and household responsibilities, has indeed allowed me to focus my efforts (often like a laser) on work. This “division” of labor, particularly over the last 10 years (ever since I started my faculty position) was without question the single most important factor in allowing me to achieve what I have in my life (earning an MS and PhD degree while married and becoming a tenured college professor). However, these professional accomplishments really, in the end, matter very little. In the end, what do you have?
Sure, I have job security (as I have tenure), sure I have a reputation (though meager!) within my field of study, but when the day is done…. it is my family that I care most about! Not my work! I did not spend these long hours on the road thinking of ways to better my career, I spent the time reflecting on my family life.
I’m not saying that I have ignored my family or that I have brushed them aside. I just have not made them a priority (at least some times) in my life and have simply let life roll on by, without really thinking about how best to spend my “life” with them. This became abundantly obvious to me when I was reminiscing about our time in CA. Sure, I was focused during my postdoc work (while in CA), but I did make time for Jen and Erin - William was not born yet - (we’d go on Saturday day trips on an occasion – but not NEARLY as often as we should have). However, over the past ~10 (ever since moving back to NJ), there have been embarrassing few “day trips” (and this was during the first 10 years of my son’s life).
I’m ashamed by this, as I almost lost all three of them (Jen, Erin and William) ~9 years ago in a car accident. They are all fine, but I should have treated the past 9 years (and the next ?) like a gift. I have not! (and quite frankly, you should NOT have to almost lose your family to view your time with them as something precious!).
Do not misunderstand. It is certainly true that the aforementioned “focus” on work was required to put me and my family in a “good place,” however, over the long-term, that level of focus is unsustainable and perhaps at this stage, unnecessarily. We are in a “good place” (and some might even say a GREAT PLACE), but my daughter is now ~16 (soon to go off to college) and my son is now 10, on the verge of being a teenager himself! Sure, I’ll have work responsibilities, and I will do the best I can to fulfill them, but I have realized that I need to strike a much BETTER balance between my work and home life. [Assuming of course that the Mrs agrees that a change in the “day to day” of our life is palatable (we have both fallen into a “routine,” so any change on my side of things will necessitate a change on her's as well)].
While riding through NV, just at the border of UT a song by the Foo Fighters came on through the Ipod. I have heard it before, but this time, at this moment - with the blue sky and white clouds above and in front of me, the trees and shrubs on my left and right, mountains on the horizon, as well as in my rear view mirror, the wide open, empty road in front of me and these thoughts that a SEA CHANGE in my life was unfolding; new views about how to approach my work responsibilities, new ideas on how to approach my relationships with my son and daughter, ideas about how to be a better father, husband, a better person! - the lyrics of this song hit me like a TON of bricks! I realized in that very instant how truly lucky of a man I really am and how much I have taken for granted!
Taking this trip has given me a new outlook on life. Sure, it sounds like a cliché (tough!) to have some guy in his forties who takes a long trip say that he has come back as a changed man. Maybe it is not cliché at all. Maybe it is simply an artifact of having the time and opportunity to seriously reflect on one’s life. I’m not saying that I’m a changed man. It is not that easy (if only it were). What I’m saying is that I WANT to be a changed man and to publically state this (rather than just keeping these thoughts private) may just be the impetus that will help me through the metamorphosis.
Some people have suggested that I purchased a motorcycle (~4-5 years ago) because I was having some kind of mid life crisis. I take issue with that. I simply made the time and found the “resources” to support an interest that I had had (on and off) for quite some time. Some might also suggest that these thoughts of “a changed man” might also be “mid-life-crisis-ish.” I would not phrase it as a “crisis.” A crisis is a bad thing, a calamity, a catastrophe. This is quite the opposite; an epiphany, a revelation, or, quite simply, an opportunity - an opportunity to reinvent myself, an opportunity to refocus my energies on things that REALLY matter and an opportunity to force a CHANGE for the better in my life.
Being able to take this trip was certainly a once in a life time opportunity. However, the perspective it has given me, the realizations that I am indeed a very lucky man (to have such a wonderful wife, daughter and son), have given me something more meaningful, something more significant and something more (I hope!) long lasting – The realization that I have the opportunity to have a new life time.
As the title to that songs says (listed and linked below)
IT’S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN!
Thanks for following this story… I hope you enjoyed that trip as much as I have!
Jen, Erin, William…. I’m coming home!
Until I see you all again…..
Best Wishes…
-Bill, Dad, Primemover, The Toxic Avenger
Foo Fighters: It's times like these your learn to live again
I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
burning off alone
it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again
I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?
it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again
(note: perhaps the change has started - this is NOT a RUSH song!)
:)
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